Miss Junkyard
by MungoTeazer
Summary: A few of the Jellicle queens have an argument over who's the prettiest and they wind up having a beauty pageant. Note: I do not seriously believe that any of the queens would seriously have a huge thing out of something so stupid.
1. Beginnings to the thingie

Disclaimer: Ok, not only am I gonna say the usual "I don't own CATS, it belongs to Andy Webber, Tommy Eliot, Trevvie Nunn and a bunch of other peoples", but I also have to put in a disclaimer for one the couples I use. Ok here we go: I don't like Deme with Alonzo, I pretty much just used it for the purposes that I couldn't think of anyone else. I'm not sure why I felt the need to make that known.... but I did! Oh, and the reason I decided not to use Cass is because she's still helping Exotica with her therapy... and I couldn't think of a mate I actually liked for her... 

Anyhoo, on with the... um... ficcie.... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The Junkyard 

Deme: *absentmindedly singing "I Feel Pretty" (A/N: y'know... from West Side Story?)* 

Bomba: *muttering* she wishes! 

Deme: And gaaaaaaa-... what was that? 

  
Bomba: Nothing 

Deme: *processes this for a minute* Macav-?.... *something clicks* wait a minute... that was an _insult_! 

Tant: Very good Deme! 

Bomba: Golf clap! 

  
Tant/Bomba: *golf claps* 

Deme: I'm way prettier than you two! 

Bomba: As if! 

Tant: Not happening! 

Bomba: I'm prettier than both of you! 

  
Tant: You are not! 

Bomba: Are too! 

Tant: Are not! 

Bomba: Are too! 

Tant: Are not! 

Tant: You are not! 

Bomba: Are too! 

Tant: Are not! 

Bomba: Are too! 

Tant: Are not! 

Tant: You are not! 

Bomba: Are too! 

Tant: Are not! 

Bomba: Are too! 

Tant: Are not! 

Tant: You are not! 

Bomba: Are too! 

Tant: Are not! 

Bomba: Are too! 

Tant: Are not! 

Mungo/Teazer (A/N the CATS... not me!): *walk by* 

Mungo: Wots gawin on? 

Bomba: I'm the prettiest queen in the junkyard, right? 

Tant: No, I am!!! 

  
Deme: Macavity! 

Everyone else: *stares*  
  
Deme: I mean... "No, I am!!!" 

Mungo: Actually, yawr oll wrong... 

Teazer: Oi'm tha prettiest!!! 

  
Mungo: Roigh'! 

Bomba: No way Jose! 

*general arguing breaks out between Deme, Bomba, Tant, Mungo and Teazer* 

Alonzo: *walks by* 

Deme: Alonzo! I'm the prettiest queen in the junkyard aren't I? *flutters eyelashes a bit* 

Alonzo: *monotonous* Yes dear 

  
Deme: HAHA!!!! IN YOUR FACES!!!!!!!! 

Teazer: Erm... Deme?... 

Tant: Just because Alonzo said so.... 

Mungo: Doesn' mike eet traw... 

Bomba: And this IS the same Alonzo who thinks that popsicles are fruit... 

Deme: Well, I'm still the prettiest!!! 

*more fighting breaks out between Deme, Bomba, Tant, Mungo, Teazer and Alonzo* 

Cori: *walks by* 

Tant: *mentally to Cori* Get your arse over here and agree with everything I say! 

  
Cori: *mentally to Tant* Yes dear 

*Cori joins in on the arguing* 

*A few minutes later...* 

Tugger: *walks by* 

Bomba: Oh Tugger... 

*A few minutes later, Tugger has a black eye and is fighting for Bomba* 

Munku: *walks by and sees arguing* What's going on? 

Queens: *suddenly forget about their mates and cuddle up to Munku* 

Toms: _ 

Tant: *wheedling* Oh Munku... 

Bomba: *wheedling* We were... 

Teazer: *wheedling* Jus' wonderin'... 

Deme: *really loud and non-wheedly* Who's the prettiest? 

Munku: uh.... uh.... *sees that the faces of the queens have turned to death glares* I...uh.... don't know? 

Queens: *drop him like a hot potato* Whaddya mean you don't know!?!?!?!?! 

Munku: I... uh.... don't.... know? 

Queens: *look like they're about to spontaneously combust* 

MT: *appears from nowhere* There's only one way to solve this! 

Alonzo: Oh Bast 

Tugger: Not you again! 

  
MT: *ignoring them* You must have a beauty pageant!!! 

CATS: *process this for a moment*  
  
Munku: Considering that was one of your ideas.... 

  
Cori: That's not too bad.... 

MT: *beams* I'm chock full of 'em! 

Bomba: All right! We shall have a beauty pageant! 

MT: And the judges shall be you guys!!! *points to Alonzo, Mungo, Cori, Tugger and Munku* 

Alonzo/Mungo/Cori/Tugger/Munku: *blanche*  
  
Mungo: erm.... 

Cori: I don't think 

Mungo: tho's really a groit oidea... 

Munku: Why don't you have Skimble judge??? 

Alonzo: Or Plato??? 

Tugger: Or Old Deuteronomy!?! 

*all stare at him*  
  
Tugger: Well that's not really fair, you guys took all the good ones... 

MT: Nope! You guys are gonna be the judges!!! 

Teazer: Yea gois! 

  
Bomba: That's a great idea!!! 

Toms: *seem to think otherwise* 

MT: And now I must return! To the land of gummi bears and DVDs!!!! *disappears* 

Alonzo: She really needs help. 

Bomba: Well, I'm going to prepare for the pageant! 

Deme: Me too! 

Teazer: Moi throi! 

Tant: Me four! 

*they all leave* 

Alonzo: Dear Bast, what are we gonna do??? 

Tugger: Whatever one wins.... 

Mungo: Tha res'll 'ave awr 'eads! 

Munku: We're doomed. 

Cori: Doomed is what we are. 

Tugger: Well.... 

  
Alonzo: We might as well enjoy our final hours... 

*all slowly leave, after saluting each other* 

Meanwhile... 

Bomba: So, we're going to have a pageant! 

Jenny: Are you sure that's a good idea? 

Jelly: Pageants cause so much ill-will among the contestants!!! 

Jenny: You loose the true spirit! 

Bomba: Which is.... 

Jenny/Jelly: ..... 

Jenny: uhm.... 

Jelly: well.... 

Jenny: So, um... we'll set up the details while you go and prepare!!! 

Bomba: Okay! *leaves*  
  
Jelly: It could be fun! 

Jenny: Yeah! 

Jelly: So, we could have Skimbie act as the host!!! 

Jenny: Oh, what a marvelous idea!!! 

Jelly: Three competitions. 

Jenny: Talent... 

Jelly: Questions and answers.... 

Jenny: And poise!!! 

Jelly: The judges, Cori, Alonzo, Tugger, Mungo and Munku will rate them all on a scale of one to ten!!! 

  
Jenny: ... hey, Jelly? 

Jelly: Yes? 

Jenny: I just realized... 

Jelly: Yes? 

Jenny: Well, Cori's mates with Tant right? And Alonzo's mates with Deme... and Mungo's mates with Teazer.... and Tugger's afraid of Bomba... 

Jelly: Oh dear... 

Jenny: Poor Munku... 

Jelly: Oh well!!! 

*they go about making more preparations for the pageant* 

Meanwhile... somewhere else.... 

Mungo: Naw, oi wos thinkin'... moibe yaw should learn ta spoik... propa-loike.... 

  
Teazer: Wot's wrong with tha woi oi speak??? 

Mungo: Well nufin' ta moi.... but weeth tha pageant.... 

Teazer: Aow... oi see where yawr gettin at.... 

Mungo: Well... oi fawnd this book roigh? "Pyg-mal-i-on" 'en eets got this goi tho' teaches thees gehl ta tolk oll propa-loike!!! 

Teazer: Well? 

Mungo: Repeat ofta moi *manages to sound it out slowly but correctly* "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain" 

Teazer: The rine een Spine stois moinly een tha pline! 

Mungo: Thees ees gonna boi a lawng noigh'... 

Meanwhile (I love that word!) 

Alonzo: Deme?... 

Deme: Yes? 

Alonzo: Please. Why don't you and the other queens agree that you're all... EQUALLY pretty? 

Deme: *glares* Are you saying I'm fat? 

Alonzo: What!?! No!!! I just meant 

Deme: *sobbing* You think I'm fat don't you? That's why you looked at Bomba the other day!!! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! *is now bawling hysterically* 

Alonzo: I... no!!!! Of course I love you!!! 

  
Deme: *still bawling*  


Alonzo: *sighs* 

Meanwhile (ok, I dont' have a thesarous ok????) 

Cori: Tant? Sweetie? Darling? Love of my life? 

Tant: What do you want Cori? 

Cori: Well, wouldn't you like to solve this thing with the other queens peacefully? 

Tant: *sighs* I told you Cori... we're not going to solve things peacefully! We're going to have a pageant!!! 

Cori: Well in that case... we gotta make sure you win!!! 

Tant: I thought you'd see it my way... Now, help me pick out something I can do for the talent part! 

Cori: Well... couldja dance? 

Tant: Dance to what? 

  
Cori: *shrugs* I dunno.... 

Tant: What about singing? 

Cori: Yeah! You could sing!!!... wait a minute... *remembers the last time Tant sang* 

~{(*~*)}~Cori's Memory ~{(*~*)}~ 

Scene: Jellicle karaoke night... 

Tant: *singing horribly off-key* SOMEWHEEEEEEEEEEEERE OOOOOVER THE RAAAINBOW WAY UP HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH 

*all glass items shatter*  
  
Pounce: IT BURNS IT BURNS!!!!! 

Misto: *batting ears*  
  
Everyone else: AAAAAAAAAAAH THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!! 

Tant: *oblivious* THEEEEERE'S AAAAA LAND THAT I'VE HEARD OF ONCE IN A LULLABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY 

CATS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! *are running around in crazed little patterns and crashing into various objects* 

Pipe: *falls right behind Tant because Tumble crashed into it* 

Tant: *still oblivious and singing very off-key* 

Fire: *spreads because someone spilled gasoline over a decorative candle* 

Various objects: *crashing down left and right*  
  
CATS: *still screaming and running* 

Tant: WHERE TROUBLES MELT LIKE LEMON DROPS THAT'S WHEEEEEERE YOOOOOOOOOU'LL FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! 

~{(*~*)}~Back in reality~{(*~*)}~ 

Tant: Cori? Cori? 

  
Cori: *snaps out of it* On the other hand... maybe you could recite poetry??? 

Elsewhere (there, happy now?) 

Bomba: *looking herself over in a mirror and spots Tugger*  
  
Tugger: *realizes she spotted him* uh-oh *tries to run away*  
  
Bomba: Oh Tugger? 

  
Tugger: Darnit *slowly turns around* 

Bomba: *walks up to him* Ya wanna help me prepare for the paegant? 

Tugger: Uh.. it's not until tomorrow Bombi.... 

Bomba: *eyes glow red*  
  
Tugger: Uh-oh 

  
Bomba: *pins him up against a wall and chokes him* You're gonna help me prepare, and you're gonna like it! Are we clear? 

Tugger: *being choked* but *gasp* you're talking in the plural form *gasp*  
  
Bomba: *tightens her hold on Tugger's neck* What was that? 

Tugger: *high pitched and breathy* Yes! 

Bomba: *tightens her hold on his neck even more* Yes, what? 

Tugger: Yes ma'am! *gasp* 

Bomba: *drops him and her eyes go back to normal* That's better. 

  
Tugger: *gasping for air* 

~ 

Will Deme ever stop crying? Will Teazer learn to speak without her accent? Will Tant find a talent? Will Tugger regain a normal breathing pattern? Will I ever shut up? Find out on the next installment!!! 

Note: We apologize for the corny batman-esque ending. We take no responsibility for anything. 


	2. The actual thingie

Disclaimer: didn't we go over this already? 

Special notie thingies: 

Jemi Gr: Thank you! I feel so special now! Sorry, its still in script-format but its just easier for me to do it that way... 

Amber: Hehe, thank you! 

ShadowJellicle: Darnit! It came out as Tugger/Bomba?!?!?! *bangs head against the wall* I can't stand Tugger/Bomba!!! Almost as much as I can't stand Deme/Munku but that's another story. Sorry it came out Tugger/Bomba... I was aiming for a thing where it was more of that Bomba could very easily cause Tugger pain and he's supporting her 'cos he's afraid of her... Oh well. Sorry, 'bout that. I agree with you about the Tugger/Bomba thing (that's also why I hate Deme/Munku, but once again, that's another story) 

Other little notie thingies: BE WARNED!!! This chappie contains some violence towards Munku... if you're a fan who will be offended by this... don't say I didn't warn ya... it's nothing THAT bad or graphic anyways... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The Next Day... 

Cori: *waking up Tant* TAAAAAAAAAAAANT!!! 

Tant: AAAAH I'M AWAKE!!!!!!!!! 

Cori: Jenny and Jelly just sent out these forms for the contest!!! 

Tant: *blank "I just woke up and now you want me to process information?" look* 

Cori: .... which is today... 

Tant: *same blank look* 

Cori: ... the beauty pageant?... 

Tant: *same blank look* 

Cori: Deme, Bomba and Teazer.... beauty pageant....ring a bell? 

Tant:....... Oh!!!!   
  
Cori: Here, better get ready 

Elsewhere (I'll be on an "elsewhere" trip now) 

Mungo: Teazah.... wike up lav.... 

Teazer: mmmmmmmmfh... jus' foive mawr minutes mum... 

Mungo: *sighs* Teazah... do oi sawnd like yawr mum? 

Teazer: *yawns and wakes up* Wots gawin on? 

Mungo: Yaw gotta fill awt these forms far tha contest! 

Elsewhere ( ^_^ ) 

Deme: *cried herself to sleep last night* 

Alonzo: Um... Deme? 

Deme: *instantly jumps awake* MACAVITY!!! 

  
Alonzo: *sighs* No Deme, I'm Alonzo. 

Deme: Oh... hi Alonzo! 

Alonzo: So you're not still mad at me? 

Deme: Why would I be mad at you? 

  
Alonzo: Uh.... no reason... So... here's some forms for the contest! 

Elsewhere (oh don't give me that look) 

Bomba: TUGGER!!!!   
  
Tugger: AAAAAAH!!!!!!! BOMBA WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY DEN!?!?!?! 

Bomba: You gotta help me fill out these forms!!! 

Tugger: *sighs, then remembers his last encounter with Bomba* *jumps out of bed* Let's get to it!!! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Later: 

*Jenny and Jelly have set up a small stage-type thing in the junkyard. The kittens and everyone not involved are sitting in the audience. Skimble is onstage ready to start his announcing duties, Jenny and Jelly are collecting the forms, Tumblebrutus is sitting to the right of the stage with a kazoo, the judges are sitting at their table and Munku is looking sick. The queens in the contest are backstage primping* 

Jenny: *comes out onstage* Attention? Attention! ATTENTION!!!!!!!! *everyone shuts up* Now, the contest will begin! 

Tumble: *plays out fancy-schmancy theme music on the kazoo* 

Skimble: Hello! And welcome to the Miss Junkyard pageant!!! Give a warm welcome to our judges! Coricopat! 

  
Coricopat: *thinking* Tant better win or I'm gonna die.... 

Skimble: Alonzo! 

Alonzo: *thinking* Dear Bast, if you love me you'll let Deme win... 

  
Skimble: Mungojerrie! 

Mungo: *thinking* The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain, the rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain, the rain in Spain- 

Skimble: Rum Tum Tugger! 

Etccy: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tugger: *thinking* Oh Bast, oh Bast, if Bombi doesn't win, I can say goodbye to being the stud cat.... 

Skimble: Aaaaaaand Munkustrap! 

Munkustrap: *looks like he's gonna puke* *thinking* Well Munk, enjoy your last hours.... 

Skimble: And now, here are the lovely contestants: Demeter, Tantomile, Bombalurina and Rumpleteazer!!! 

Deme/Tant/Bomba/Teazer: *walk out onstage* 

Bomba: *trips Deme* 

Deme: *through gritted teeth as she's smiling* You're gonna pay for that... 

Bomba: *through gritted teeth as SHE'S smiling* I'd like to see you try... 

Deme: *through gritted teeth, still* you little- 

Skimble: The first contest will be poise, then talent, then questions and answers! 

Deme/Tant/Bomba/Teazer: *go back offstage* 

Skimble: The first contestant is.... Bombalurina!!! 

  
Bomba: *gracefully walks out onstage, turns around* 

Audience: *snickergiggle*  
  
Bomba: What? *walks offstage*  
  
Audience: *snickersnort*  
  
Bomba: *storms back onstage* WHAT IN THE NAME OF BAST IS SO FUNNY?!?!   
  
Jenny: Your back dear. 

  
Bomba: What about my back? It's a perfectly great back!!! 

  
Jenny: Um well... 

  
Bomba: *reaches around to her back and pulls off a sign reading "Miss. Junky"* THAT IS SOOOO JUVENILLE DEME!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN REEEEEEEEEEEAL MATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU COULD AT LEAST THINK OF A CLEVER INSULT!!!!!! *storms offstage* 

Skimble: Um.... TANTOMILE!!!! 

  
Tant: *is pushed onstage by Teazer and falls* Teazer! You little-*remembers where she is and gets up and smiles a little bit too big, does her walk and walks off* 

Skimble: DEMETER!!! 

Deme: *walks out* 

Bomba: *shoots spitballs at her through a straw, without her realizing it* (A/N: no I don't know how a cat could make a spitball, cut it out with the nitpicking) 

Deme: *turns around and is covered in spitballs* 

  
Audience: *snickergiggle* 

Deme: *walks offstage without realizing anything* 

Bomba: *behind the scenes* Hey, Deme? You've got a little something on your back right there... 

Deme: Huh? *realizes she's covered in spitballs and shoots Bomba a dirty look* 

Skimble: RUMPLETEAZER!!!!!!! 

Teazer: *walks out and turns around successfully* 

Tant: *grabs Bomba's straw that she was using for the spitballs and blows her own spitballs at Teazer, one of which gets her straight in the eye* 

Teazer: AH! STUPID-... *walks offstage, a loud bang is heard* 

Tant: *pulls her head out of the bucket into which it has been rammed* 

  
Skimble: Um... the queens are going to prepare for the talent portion now so here's Tumble on the kazoo with his lovely rendition of The Entertainer 

Tumble: *plays The Entertainer on his kazoo* 

Audience: Boooooooooooooo!!!!! 

Pouncie: Tomatoes! Get your rotten tomatoes here! Only $3.99!!! Come on who wants a rotten tomato? *is mauled by cats grabbing for rotten tomatoes* 

Audience: *throw rotten tomatoes at Tumble* 

Tumble: Ahhhhhhhhhhh! *runs offstage* 

Pouncie: *dazedly* Thank you, come again! 

Asparagus: *mops up the tomatoes from the stage* Why do I always have to be the stupid janitor? *mutterng* Lousy....tomatoes.......janitor.....Oprah....... 

Skimble: Riiiiiight... uh... the first erm... contestant... in this next portion will be Demeter! She's gonna sing Someone Like You! From... um... some musical MT likes... 

Demeter: *walks onstage* Thank you Skimble *flashes a huge smile at the audience* 

Audience: *thinking* uh-oh 

Demeter: Ahem *takes a huge breath and motions towards Tumble* 

Tumble: *plays the introduction on his kazoo, only to have a remaining tomato thrown at him* 

Deme: I peered through windows 

  
Indistinguishable voice from the audience: BO-RING!!! 

Deme: Watch life go by 

Another indistinguishable voice from the audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! 

Deme: Dream of tommorrow 

Another indistinguishable voice from the audience: *imitating snoring noises* 

Deme: *glares* And wonder why 

1st indistinguishable voice from the audience: GET HER OFF THE STAGE!!! 

Deme: The past is holding me 

2nd indistinguishable voice from the audience: YOU STINK!!!! 

Deme: Keeping life at bay 

3rd indistinguishable voice from the audience: OI'D ROTHA LISTEN TA BRITNEY SPEARS!!!!!! 

Jenny: Wait a minute! That indistinguishable voice from the audience had a Cockney accent! *squints to see audience better* TEAZER!!! 

Jelly: Hey! Bomba and Tant are back there too!! 

  
Teazer/Bomba/Tant: ... meep! 

Jelly: What're you guys doing in the audience? 

Teazer/Bomba/Tant: ....uh...... *run backstage* 

Jenny/Jelly: *sigh* 

Jenny: Deme, you can go on with your song dearie. 

Deme: *fell asleep* 

Skimble: ooh... that'll cost her points.... 

Jelly/Jenny: *drag a still sleeping Deme off the stage* 

Skimble: Now, reciting Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.... Tantomile!!! 

Tantomile: Thank you Skimble. Ahem 

Whose woods these are I think I know 

His house is in the village though 

He will not see me stopping here 

To watch his woods fill up with snow 

My little horse must think it queer 

To stop without a farmhouse near 

Between the woods and frozen lake 

The darkest evening of the year 

He gives his harness bells a shake  
To ask if there is some mistake 

The only other sound's 

The sweep of easy wind and downy flake 

The woods are lovely dark and deep 

But I have promises to keep 

And miles to go before I sleep 

Audience: *applauds politely* 

Alonzo: *to Cori* If she was going to recite a poem, why didn't she choose a slightly... better... one? Not that Robert Frost isn't good but....  
  
Cori: She couldn't help it. This is the only poem the author knows that isn't by T.S. Eliot! 

Alonzo: I wonder if the author knows MT....  


Cori: Yeah, why'd they make her so.... stupid? 

MT: *appears* Idiots! 

Cori/Alonzo: ....huh? 

MT: *wheeze* Cori and Alonzo... *wheeze* I am the author *wheeze* 

Cori/Alonzo: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! 

MT: Toodles! *disappears*  
  
Cori: What a strange girl.... 

Skimble: The next contestant will be Rumpleteazer! Singing and dancing to Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend! 

Teazer: *walks onstage and motions to Tumble* 

Tumble: *plays the kazoo wearing a football helmet (which isn't easy)* 

Teazer: The French were bred to die for love 

They delight in fighting duels 

But I prefer a man who lives 

And gives expensive jewels 

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental 

But diamonds are a girl's best friend 

Tugger: *quietly* What happened to the accent!?! 

Mungo: *grinning* *thinking* YES SHE REMEMBERED! THANK YOU GEORGE BERNARD SHAW!!!!!!! 

Teazer: A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental 

On your humble flat, or help you at the automat 

Men grow cold as girls grow old 

And we all lose our charms in the end 

But squeare-cut or pear-shaped 

These rocks don't lose their shape 

Diamonds are a girl's best friend 

Alonzo: Very appropriate for Teazer 

Teazer: ... Tiffany's...Cartier... 

Talk to me, Harry, Winston, tell me all about it! 

Mungo:..*stops grinning for a minute* Woit a tick.. 'oo's 'arry an' Winston? Anywan oi should knaw abawt? 

Teazer: *rolls eyes but continues with her song* 

There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer 

But diamonds are a girl's best friend 

There may come time when a hard-boiled employer   
Thinks you're awful nice 

But get that ice or else no dice 

he's your guy when stocks are high 

But beware when they start to descend 

It's then that those lousess go back to their spouses 

Diamonds are a girl's best friend 

Mungo: *has forgotten about Harry and Winston and is drooling* 

Teazer: I've heard of affairs that you must keep liaisonic 

Are better bets if little pets get big baguettes 

Time rolls on and youth is gone 

ANd you can't straighten up when you bend 

But stiff back or stiff knees 

You stand straight at Tiffany's 

Diamonds... Diamonds... 

-I don't mean rhinestones- 

But Diamonds, are a girls best friends 

Mungo: *is still drooling* 

Teazer: *bows and walks offstage* 

Audience: *clapping* 

Alonzo: *puts a bucket underneath Mungo* 

Skimble: That was lovely Teazer! What an amazing lack of accent! Eh? Our next contestant is Bombalurina! Singing and dancing to All That Jazz! 

Bomba: *walks out and motions to Tumble* 

Tumble: *starts the introduction on his kazoo* 

Audience: *looks ready to break his kazoo over his head* 

Bomba: C'mon babe why don't we paint the town? 

And all that jazz 

I'm gonna rouge my knees 

And roll my stockings down 

And all that jazz 

Toms: *are drooling* 

Bomba: Start the car 

I know a whoopee spot 

Where the gin is cold 

But the pianuh's hot 

It's just a noisy hall 

Where there's a nightly brawl 

And all that jazz 

Slick your hair and wear your buckle shoes 

And all that jazz 

I hear that Father Dip is gonna blow the blues 

And all that jazz 

Come on hun 

We're gonna bunny hug 

I bought some aspirin down at United Drug 

In case ya shake apart 

And want a brand new start 

To do that jazz 

Toms: *still drooling* 

Alonzo: *grabs back the bucket he gave to Mungo* 

Bomba: Oh you're gonna see your Sheba shimmy shake 

Oh she's gonna shimmy till her garters break 

Show her where to park her girdle 

Oh her mother's blood'd curdle 

If she'd hear her baby's wierd 

For all that jazz 

Find a rug we're gonna cut it loose 

And all that jazz 

All night long we're gonna loose the blues 

And all that jazz 

  
Come on babe we're gonna brush the sky 

I betcha Lucky Lindy never flew so high 

'Cos in the stratosphere how could he lend an ear 

To all that jazz 

And all that jazz 

And all that jazz! 

Toms: *standing ovations* 

  
Queens: *pull the toms back into their seats*  


Alonzo/Mungo/Cori: *are smecked by Deme, Teazer and Tant, who come out from backstage, then go back* 

Electra: *to Etccy, as she pulls Misto back into his seat* Honestly, half of that didn't even make sense! We're cats! We don't even know who Lucky Lindy is!!! 

Etccy: *as she pulls Pouncie back into his seat* I know! Really! 

Skimble: Ok that was the talent portion of our show. The next, and final, round will be the question and answers section. Each queen will come out here and answer the questions I ask them. Ok the first queen will be Demeter! 

Demeter: *walks onstage and stands next to Skimble* 

Skimble: Now Deme, what is- 

Deme: Macavity! 

Skimble: Um... I didn't ask the question yet... 

Alonzo: *looks pained* 

Skimble: Now, Deme, what is- 

Deme: Macavity!!! 

Alonzo: *buries face in his hands* 

Skimble: *sighs* Demeter, what is your greatest hope? 

Deme: *pauses for a minute*... Macavity? 

  
Skimble: *sighs* Ok Deme, go backstage 

Alonzo: *looks like he might be sobbing* 

Skimble: The next queen will be... Tantomile! 

Tant: *walks out and stands next to Skimble* 

Skimble: Tant, what would you most like to achieve in life? 

Tant: That's easy! World peace! 

Audience: awwwww! 

Tant: *goes backstage*  


Skimble: Ok now... Rumpleteazer! 

Teazer: *walks out* 

Skimble: If you were caught in a fire and could only rescue one thing... what would it be? 

Teazer: My pearl-... I mean... my dear mate, Mungojerrie! *waves* 

Mungo: *waves back* 

Audience: Awwwwwwwww! 

Alonzo: *banging his head against the table* *muttering* why me? why me? why me? 

Teazer: *goes backstage* 

Skimble: Now our last contestant... Bombalurina! 

Toms: *whistle and applaud*  


Queens: *glare* 

Skimble: Now Bomba, what do you think is the most important quality in a tom? 

Bomba: erm..... well....... I suppose..... no...... 

Skimble: Um... we need an answer 

Bomba:.....errrr...... 

*buzzer sounds* 

Audience: *gasps* 

Skimble: I'm sorry Bomba but you're out of time.   
  
Bomba: *goes backstage* 

Skimble: We'll announce the winner in a few minutes! 

Tumble: *still wearing the football helmet, plays The Entertainer on his kazoo again* 

Plato: Who gave him that kazoo anyway? 

Judges: *tabulate their votes and hand them to Skimble* 

Skimble: Aaaaand we're back! 

Tumble: *leaves* 

Audience: *breathes a collective sigh of relief* 

Tant/Bomba/Teazer/Deme: *walk back out onstage* 

Skimble: We have... one vote for Bombalurina! 

Bomba: YES!!!! 

Skimble: One vote for Demeter! 

Deme: HA!!! 

Skimble: One vote for Tantomile! 

Tant: WHO DA QUEEN!?! 

Skimble: One vote for Rumpleteazer! 

Teazer:I DA QUEEN!!!!! 

  
Skimble: I... well, actually I DO believe it! We have a four-way tie!! This will be the deciding vote! And the winner of the Miss Junkyard pageant is..... 

Suspension: *builds* 

Judges: *blanche* 

Skimble: GRIZ-... wait a minute? Grizabella?!?! She's not even a contestant!! Heck, she's not even alive! She's in Heavyside!!!! Who voted for her? 

Judges: *all point to Munku* 

Munku: I uh... hehe... funny story... the thing is.... 

Tant/Teazer/Bomba/Deme: GET MUNKU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *charge*   
  
Munku: Meep! *is enveloped in a cloud of smoke as the queens attack him* 

Other Judges: *look on with mild amusement* 

*smoke clears and Teazer has Munku in a headlock* 

Teazer: Naw, 'oo'd ya vawte far agen? 

Bomba/Tant/Deme: *start attacking him and more smoke appears* 

  
*smoke clears and Bomba has Munku in a full nelson* 

Bomba: Repeat after me: Bomba always was, and always will be, Miss Junkyard! 

*more smoke occurs as Teazer, Tant and Deme attack him again* 

*smoke clears and Tant has his arms pinned behind his back*  


Tant: ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULDN'T LIKE TO RE-CAST YOUR VOTE??? 

*more smoke occurs as Teazer, Deme, and Bomba launch themselves at him again* 

*smoke clears and Deme is pulling him by the ear* 

Deme: You didn't REALLY vote for Griz! YOU VOTED FOR ME AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!! 

*more smoke occurs* 

Munku's voice: HELP *gasp* ME!!!!!!!!!! 

Alonzo: Should we help him? 

Tugger: Eh.. maybe... I feel kinda guilty... 

Mungo: LOOK! UP EEN THE AIR!!! EETS A.... EETS A..... 

Cori: IT'S A MARY-SUE!!!!!!! 

Queens: *immediately stop attacking Munku who now has a black eye, torn out patches of fur and various and cuts* 

Bomba: *hiss* 

  
Deme: I thought we finally got rid of those! 

Tant: That's not like this author! 

Teazer: Yeah! She's usually more into the pointless parody genre of fic! 

Tant: *is staring at Teazer* You know, you sound really wierd without the accent.... 

Teazer: Sorry, ees thees betta? 

  
Tant: Yeah! Thanks! 

Bomba: Wait a minute... there's no Mary-Sue up there! 

Mungo: Uh.... 

Alonzo: Gotta run! 

*judges run away carrying Munku* 

Deme: *shrugs* This whole contest thing was kind of stupid anyway. 

Teazer: Well eet wos one of thees awthur's oideas! 

Bomba: That's true... 

Tant: Why can't we all just get along? 

Deme: You know I don't even remember why we HAD this contest! 

Bomba: Lets never fight again! 

Teazer: Wow, wot a corny way ta end a fic! 

Deme: Yep, but it just goes to show... 

Tant: Show what? 

Deme: I dunno... something about cliches I think....or was it cabbages?.... 

Teazer: *shrugs* 

MT: *appears* Hi kitties!! 

CATS: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!! *run away* 

MT: *shrugs and opens a box of Tic-Tacs* 

The [pointless] End 


End file.
